How to Recover from Roommate Syndrome

More and more clients seem to be reaching out with concerns related to Roommate Syndrome. So, I’ve decided to write this as a follow up to an article I’ve previously written about this marriage-killing syndrome (you can find that original article HERE: https://www.marriageandfamilyclinicutah.com/post/roommate-syndrome-the-slow-and-painful-death-of-your-marriage.) I would recommend reading that one in addition to this if you are wanting to break out of the destructive cycle.  

As a brief review, Roommate Syndrome occurs when the romantic spark in your marriage fizzles out. You find yourself having surface level conversations about daily logistics and no longer getting deep with each other. Time together alone is typically not happening as much at this stage either. You’re living parallel lives with your partner rather than intersecting lives, like passing ships in the night.  

In this article, I’m going to expound on things that you can do to recover from Roommate Syndrome and reignite the spark of passion and romance you’ve been so desperately desiring!  

What to do 

As mentioned in the last article, it’s important to prioritize your marriage. If you let it, life will always get in the way. There will always be something with work, kids, friends, or extended family that can take up your time together. You must be intentional about making time for each other.  

2,3,2 Rule - One simple rule that can help you conceptualize this is the 2,3,2 rule. You ought to aim to be on a date at least every two weeks, have an overnight trip every 3 months, and a one week vacation every 2 years. None of these are to include kids. Just the two of you. You can start doing this as soon as this week! One pattern that helps my wife and I with the regular date nights is switching off who’s in charge of planning. It works out to planning one date night a month. That’s easy, right? So, get going! 

Fun and Friendship - Following the 2,3,2 rule will better help you implement the next important suggestion. You’ve got to rebuild your friendship through fun and spontaneity. Part of the reason you are living like roommates is because you haven’t connected in fun and spontaneous ways like you did when you were dating and first married. Engage in activities you both enjoy doing again or find some new things to connect over. Use those date nights to simply have a good time together.  

You can also break up the daily routines from time-to-time. Get out of your current monotony! Have a game night together or with some friends. Watch your favorite show snuggling while naked. Surprise the other with a gift or heartfelt note. The sky’s the limit!  

Change in Perspective - Another thing I have seen lead to disconnection and Roommate Syndrome is the changing of perspectives over time. I have found it quite common for partners to become annoyed with the very same traits they were originally attracted to.

Here’s some examples. When dating, you loved that your partner was spontaneous and would do things on the fly. Now you’re annoyed with their lack of planning and scheduling. Or you loved how outgoing they are, but now find yourself bugged with how often they want to go out and how social they are. Or you liked how steady they are in their mood and demeanor, but now can’t stand the lack of emotional expression. Or you appreciated how money conscious they are, but now are fed up with their penny-pinching ways.  

If any of this resonates with you, I want you to take some time to reflect on those traits, values, and characteristics that once attracted you to your partner all those years ago. Write them down. Now consider what it is that frustrates you about your partner or keeps distance between you. Is it possible that those annoyances are the very same trait just seen in a negative light? If this is the case, you can know that the only thing that has changed in this equation is your perspective. You will need to put in some work to redevelop the admiration you once had for those same traits.  

A Fulfilling Sex Life - The last thing I will touch on is reigniting the passion and connection in your sex life. My next blog article will dive into this topic more, but I’ve found a common symptom of Roommate Syndrome is a poor sex life. Either there isn’t much of one to speak about or it’s obligatory. Either situation is not good. You need to seek balance in this area. Balance between each other’s needs, libidos, and wants.  

A good place to start in navigating this is simply talking about it. If this is an awkward subject for you both, well, time to get over that. You won’t make any growth or progress if you can’t talk about this crucial aspect of your relationship. Talk about what you want and what you don’t want; what you like and don’t like. Talk about the barriers to sex as well as the things that work. Remember, what’s going on in the bedroom is almost always a reflection of what’s going on outside the bedroom. As you seek to be more connected outside the bedroom, that will improve what’s going on in the bedroom. Vice versa is true as well.  

Hopefully, you’ve found some helpful insights in these suggestions. However, if you are seeking to apply these things and are still feeling stuck in the patterns of Roommate Syndrome, it may be time to seek professional help. Whether it’s with us or someone else, couples counseling can be a great way to break through barriers to achieve the relationship that you want with your spouse.