top of page

Roommate Syndrome Mini-Series: Sexual Intimacy

payton204

Due to the growing interest I’ve been getting about roommate syndrome, I’ve decided to do a little mini-series of sorts to take a deeper dive into at least three different aspects of intimacy in a marriage that are impacted by this syndrome: sexual, emotional, and intellectual. To note, these three aspects of intimacy overlap in some areas, making it difficult to completely separate them. Imagine a Venn Diagram with interlapping areas among all three.  


If you’re new to this concept of Roommate Syndrome, please refer to my original article, “Roommate Syndrome: The Slow and Painful Death of Your Marriage” to gain an understanding of what it is. For a general overview of how to address this if you are experiencing it, refer to my more recent article titled, “How to Recover from Roommate Syndrome.”  

A couple snuggling in bed with the man kissing the woman on the forehead, clearly not roommates

This article will focus on the sexual aspect of intimacy. For context, when I use the word intimacy, I am speaking about the essence of fully knowing and being known in a relationship. So, sexual intimacy is much more than just sex. It is your sexual self being fully known by your partner and you fully knowing their sexual self. This includes things like desires, preferences, fantasies, goals, turn ons and turn offs, etc. Now that we’re on the same page with that, let’s get into it.  


I will first begin by highlighting common sexual struggles that I see in my practice with couples, as these common issues are typically exacerbated by roommate syndrome. I’ll then touch on some more roommate syndrome specific difficulties.  


One of the most common struggles for couples around sex is differing levels of libido. There certainly is a stereotypical pattern of men wanting sex more often than women. And I have seen that play out in the majority of couples I’ve worked with. There are many reasons for these differing levels. Biology seems to play a role, specifically levels of testosterone, which men have much more of. But also, hormonal changes that can occur with aging, pregnancy, the menstrual cycle, and lifestyle (like diet and exercise) impact sexual desire. So do medications, medical issues, and stress levels. All this to say, there are a lot of factors at play with libido and, because of that, it is more rare than common for libidos to align in a couple.  


For a couple that is connected and romantic, this alone can cause some bumps in the relationship and with both partners having their sexual needs met. Throw on the distance that comes with roommate syndrome, and you can see how this issue gets magnified. Before I get into what to do about this, I need to outline another other common issue.  


The second most common issue I see impacting sexual intimacy with a couple is the level of communication around the topic of sex. There are some cultural factors that play into this, but also an overlap with the level of emotional connection. For most, sexuality represents a vulnerable aspect of ourselves. If you don’t feel emotionally safe in your marriage, it’s going to be real difficult for you to be open and honest about sexual intimacy. 


Additionally, for many generations, sex has been a topic that is just not discussed. Even in the bedroom. If you are over 40, there’s a good chance your parents never spoke to you about sex. That’s because their parents never spoke about sex or their parents before them. And that even includes with their own partner! I am stunned to learn how many couples just don’t talk about sex, at all. Now add the additional religious culture common to this Utah area, and you often get a shameful aspect connected with sex. I’ve found that many have stifled senses of sex and sexuality because of the shame and hush-hush cultural components.  


A closeup of a woman holding one finger over her mouth motioning for quiet. Roommate syndrome.

This issue itself could be a whole other discussion. What I’ll leave it with is this: we are sexual beings by nature. It is an important and wonderful aspect of the human experience. And sex goes far beyond intercourse in the missionary position. This is a part of us that deserves exploration and growth, just as the emotional and intellectual aspects of our lives do. The best place for this type of growth and exploration is in a loving, intimate marriage.  


Now, those of you in a roommate marriage may not feel like you can describe your relationship as both loving and intimate. This is part of the problem. What’s going on in the bedroom is often a reflection of what’s going on outside the bedroom. If there is a lack of connection and communication outside the bedroom, you can bet there’s not much of that in the bedroom either. And vice versa. This also means you can start in either place to effect change.  


However, the inherent differences between men and women are brought out in this dilemma. The dilemma of “do we seek to connect more in our sexual intimacy or our emotional intimacy?” For women the answer is almost always a resounding, “Start with the emotional connection!” Women want and need their hearts to be aroused before they feel ready to be aroused sexually. They want their man to do the small things like help with the dishes, be patient and kind with the kids, leave a cute note for them to find, or talk to them about their day and feelings.  


Men, on the other hand, are wired a bit differently. For men, much of the emotional connection comes through the sexual intimacy itself. So, arousal for men sexually is what puts them in the mood for emotional connection. And sexual arousal for men is, generally, pretty simple: arouse the penis.  


This is the setup for the deadlock that I often see in couples. Who is going to “get their way”? Who’s going to give in and give the other what they want? If you are asking yourself those questions, you are in need of a paradigm shift. Marriage is not a zero-sum game. Meaning, it is not meant to be a win-lose option. If I win, then you lose. It’s meant to be a win-win. For truthfully, if one of you does “win” and the other “loses”, you end up both losing in the end.  


Another way I see this cycle manifest comes in the form of a lack of physical and sexual intimacy at all. This will lead to a terrible dynamic where every attempt at physical connection, usually initiated by the man, is interpreted as a sexual advance by the woman. This leads her to think, “All he ever wants is sex, can’t he just touch me to love me?” It leads him to think, “Wow, this is bad. I can’t even touch my wife without her shutting down. Sex will never be on the table if I can't even touch her!” The truth here is yes, he does want sex, but sex is a representation of connection for men, as touched on above. What he’s after is connection, emotional connection. Which often comes through the sexual connection. And, by the way, not every touch needs to be sexual in nature. Take some time to address this dynamic if you’re experiencing this cycle. Call it out and allow room for physical touch that is connecting without the expectation of it leading to sex every time.  


A happy couple in the kitchen preparing a meal touching foreheads, not experiencing roommate syndrome

Breaking this cycle also requires understanding the law of mutuality or reciprocity. This law suggests that as you seek to put your partner’s needs first, they will seek to do the same for you. The mindset shifts from “I’ll do something when you do something” to “I will lovingly give you the things I know you want and need because I trust this will help you to do the same for me.”  


The new paradigm also includes seeing your partner as your ally, not your enemy or the embodiment of all your relationship problems. When you are able to look at your partner as a teammate, you start to frame your conversations in a new way. It becomes more about what we can do about this problem together. It becomes unifying. Us against the problem of roommate syndrome. Together, you apply your abilities to conquer the problem, rather than trying to conquer the other.  


This is going to require more and better communication from both of you. This gets into the relational aspects of emotional intimacy. Stay tuned for my next article, which will dive deeper into that topic. For now, work on the things I’ve mentioned. Sometimes just bringing awareness to common dynamics or differences can lead to better understanding and more patience. If you find you and your partner are struggling to even talk about these things, you may be in need of professional help. Give us or someone else a call to get the ball rolling on couple’s counseling! 

54 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comentários


bottom of page