I’m going to share some powerful steps that can drastically change the way you interact with your children. These steps are proven and will lead to the development of critical thinking skills and emotional intelligence in your kids. That said, there are some important disclaimers. Your children’s level of emotional intelligence will be a reflection of yours. As the saying goes, you can’t pull someone to heights you yourself have not gone. If you struggle to regulate and understand your own emotions, then how will your children learn to regulate their emotions?
Look inside and consider how well you do with experiencing and processing difficult emotions. Some of the skills outlined below may be helpful for yourself. But no matter where you are at, you can start applying these things today. This pattern is so powerful, even when done poorly, it will begin to yield positive results.
Last disclaimer, this tool is best utilized when your child is in a workable or semi-workable state. This tool is not meant to be used when your child is highly escalated.
The steps outlined below are not anything I’ve come up with myself. These are pulled from many sources, including John Gottman’s work and therapists at Telos, a treatment center where I used to work.
Step 1
Notice, acknowledge, and ask about a shift in emotion in your child. For example, “You look sad, what’s up?” Or maybe, “You seem frustrated right now. What’s going on?” This is a time to help your child identify and recognize an emotion they are experiencing. Sometimes, they may not be sure what they are feeling, and you can help them explore that. Or sometimes they may correct you and say, “I’m not sad, I’m angry.” That’s great if they can do that. Don’t get caught arguing what they are feeling. Accept what they report and work with it.
Step 2
Validate, validate, and validate. Show that you understand them. Share some empathy. Acknowledge their struggle. You don’t have to agree with their feelings to validate them. Validation is simply showing understanding of WHY they might be feeling the way they do. This often sounds like, “Wow, I’m so sorry you are going through that. That sounds really difficult.” Or “I’d probably be feeling the same way if that happened to me.” Or “What a frustrating thing!”
Step 3
Ask them to consider what they are going to do about the situation and explore options. This is the time to put responsibility where it belongs, on them! You do not need to fix and solve everything for your kids. Your job is to help them develop the skills to resolve things on their own. A simple question can lead you down this path, “What are your options right now?” This can get the wheels turning and lead to the development of critical thinking. Most kids will need some prompting as the most common response to that question is “I don’t know.” Push past this initial response and give them a chance to consider some things. “You’re a smart kid, take a minute to think about what you can do about this.”
There are two common ways it will go from here. One, they’ll start offering ridiculous options like “I could just run away” or “I could punch the kid in the face”. Don’t get stuck on these. And DON’T let this lead to a lecture about how we don’t condone violence in this family. Now is not the time for that. Simply acknowledge that their suggestion IS an option and ask for others they can think of.
The second common path is continuing with “I don’t know”. At that point, you could inquire about their openness to hearing some suggestions you may have from prior experience. This is an ask and not a demand. If they say they don’t want to hear your suggestions, then you don’t share them and give them some time to come up with options on their own.
During this exploration of options, you can also help them forecast the consequences of each option they put on the table. “Yes, you could punch that kid in the face. Where do you think that would lead?” “What do you think the outcome would be if you chose this option?”
Step 4
Leave them with the final decision. Allow them some space to make that decision. This can be hard, because they may end up choosing an option that you would not like. However, allowing them room to make mistakes (accounting for the overall safety of course) is crucial for their learning. Sometimes the best lessons come from our mistakes.
Step 5
Set boundaries and outline consequences as appropriate. This is where there is a lesson that all feelings are appropriate, but not all behavior is. Some choices will lead to natural consequences. Others may need additional consequences given by you. Forecast this with them. It may sound something like, “Should you choose this particular option, it’s going to put me in an awkward situation where I will then have to enforce this particular consequence in response. I hope you will take that into consideration as you make your choice.”
Step 6
Follow Up. Make sure to check in with them at a later time about how things went. This is important whether they chose a good option or not. If they did, you can reinforce that choice with words of praise and encouragement. If they chose a less ideal option, you may need to reinforce that you still love them even when disappointed in their choices. This can be a time to reflect on lessons learned that help them make better choices in the future.
I have personally used these steps with my own children and teens in other capacities. It really works! Go ahead and try them. You’ll be amazed with the connection and growth that they foster in your kids and your relationship with them.
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